El Gato Diabolico

I have inherited a cat. Not your run-of-the-mill type feline, mind you. I’ve inherited an evil cat.

Back in the fall when the deal was still in the making, the cat appeared innocent enough, all rural-looking and smelling daisies.

But now that I have moved in, the cat has lifted the veil of pretense, and is showing his true colors. All day long, he darts on me his evil eye contemptuously, as if I were a mere annoyance in his field of vision (he has only one evil eye, the left one; the right one is regular.) Sometimes I feel compelled to apologize for my presence.

I will be honest with you. At first, I attempted to buy his love with the most expensive tiny tins of gourmet cat food, and when that failed miserably, I resorted to tuna crumbs which Monsieur Boyfriend tried to steal for himself. Here is the thing though: that cat can’t be bought. He likes the cheap stuff. And lots of it too. That cat is FAT.

Zora the housekeeper mentioned the other day that he should convert to Islam and observe Ramadan. I tend to concur.

Definitely not the type of cat you carry around under one arm. It takes two. With muscles.

Obviously love has been previously purchased from the cat with quantity. It reflects in the protruding belly of the beast.

Now in all fairness, unbeknown to me, in South of France, a fair amount of lard around one’s bones may come in handy during the snow storms (I kid you not.)  During the last one, Evil Cat seemed completely unaffected by the dreary weather conditions and guarded the house perimeter, moving like a wild animal on the prowl…

The irregularity of the hair you may notice on the above photograph derives from Monsieur Boyfriend’s idea of a haircut. He has promised time and time again not to approach the animal with a pair of scissors anymore but I’ve caught him red-handed a few times. My theory behind the cat’s troubled soul is that he has long been ostracized by the South of France feline population because of his unbeseeming  hair appearance.

This shunning has resulted in a fear of abandonment which materializes itself in the weirdest possible ways. When you want to take a bath…

The cat beats you to the tub. The evilness part comes in play when…

He makes a point of licking his nether regions right where your bottom would be moments later.

And try to brush your teeth…

With a cat in the basin. Kind of difficult to circumvent, wouldn’t you say?

If you watch TV, he lies on the mantel, eyeballing you from above, with a face that tells you he disapproves of your choice of program.

The cat has also claimed the bed.

I am lucky if I manage to have a little room on my pillow at night.

And he has claims on the car too.

Since humans, on top of dexterous opposable thumbs, are supposed to have slightly more cerebral activity than Birman Cats (Myanmar Cats presently), I concocted a plan designed to give us all some space: the installation of a cat door big enough to accommodate all his extra pounds. Monsieur boyfriend and I waited with bated breath for the cat to make his first exit. And we waited. And we waited.

Let me mention at this juncture that this cat’s means of egress used to be limited to windows… which his human servants had to open and close for him 10,000 times a day, human servants beaten into hurried submission by the constant scratching at the glass. So where was I? Ah yes, so we waited. We baited. We shoved through the hole. We cajoled. We faked meeow on the other side of the cat door… To no avail.

He now waits in front of it. Annoyed-looking. Displaying his usual typical crunchy mood and expecting us now to get on all fours and push the flap open because God forbid he should make any effort with his precious noggin. Intellectual or physical.

I have pretty much given up. My dog will join us in three weeks and eat Evil Cat anyway. Or it will be the other way around. It will probably be the other way around. At any rate, I’m shitting with y’all people. That cat may have failed rocket science in school, but I do like him a lot. He is an acquired taste. And he has redeeming qualities. Let me rephrase that: he has one redeeming quality. I just don’t get tired of waking up to that spectacle every morning…

59 responses to “El Gato Diabolico

  1. This cat looks cross eyed (well at the least the first picture of him looking at a blade of grass) lol

  2. hi !

    a wonderful blog like yours is hard to find in the Internet.

    thanks a lot for using your time to create a place of beauty, elegance and tranquility.

    all the best,
    Penfield

  3. vodkabeforenoon

    Oh this was just perfect.
    I will be watching for more.

  4. this is such a sweet and funny page. i love cats especially my BLACK cat…

  5. Amazing photos–thanks for sharing this well-written post.

  6. stevenstauffer

    fantastic. i particularly enjoy the one of him waiting in front of the door.

  7. Excellent!!! I have a psyco cat too…a bit more ferrel…your pictures are beautiful!!!!

  8. Great post. I loved the subject line and the photos are way cool. Great story. :)

  9. Pretty funny how all cats act so similarly. Mine does many of these things as well.

  10. All cats are evil, let’s just get that straight. It’s a matter of how much the owner is willing to overlook that’s the difference.

    We once had a cat, Satan’s Little Helper, that lived with us for almost a year before we pawned her off to some poor, unsuspecting fool. I mean kind, new owner. After months of losing pints of our own blood, furniture once new, then badly shredded after her arrival, the brown little presents she left on our pillows (those weren’t mints), and our dog cowering behind us, we sent her to a new home. Strange how I still miss her sweet face, just moments prior to her sinking her teeth into my flesh (never could feed the little beast fast enough).

    Your blog is very well written, completely relatable, with fantastic photographs. Thanks for posting this!

  11. hannahfergesen

    I love your blog -all of your photos have a fantastic whimsy to them that I have to say, I envy! But this post was one of your funniest and wonderfully written. Keep it up!

  12. I went the humane society for a short-haired cat and came out with a “medium-haired” (yeah, right), twenty pound beast – but he chose me.

    I’ve experienced that “morning spectacle”. Jenner loves to settle his twenty pounds right on my chest and purr in my face.

    Forget the scissors – your new best friend is the “furminator”… seriously. This brush works wonders and my cat LOVES it.

  13. Man, and I thought the cat we’re cat-sitting for was evil…

  14. amazing photos,
    learning how to pet is a profession!
    Happy Wednesday!

  15. Ragdoll, right? We have one too (and he is crosseyed). My husband refers to him as Satan’s handmister.

    Great blog. Love the pictures.

  16. Shawn Alan Gumness

    I really liked your story! Thanks alot sweety!

  17. ha ha ha ha! thank you for a good laugh, i needed one. especially as someone who has been amazed at the peculiar role a feline can play in your life – my siamese of 18 years passed away a month ago. i love the poignantly quirky placements you’ve caught him in. i would personally love to come home to a fat, sumptuously ball of feline fur curled up in the sink. fantastic.

  18. i wish i wasn’t allergic to cats so that i could get close to one. i like your style of photo/story

  19. meow!

    cats are kewl. and that’s no bull.

  20. your post was too effin hilarious. i really enjoyed reading this as i pondered about my own 2 evil beasts at home waiting and planning on making their escape from us.

  21. I loved this post! so glad I stumbled upon it. Your photos are fantastic and tell such a story even if you didn’t write about it. I have cats too and they do own me, I think, and not me who owns them.
    Tammi

  22. Hi
    This was a wonderful post and I couldn’t help laughing.

    And I LOVED your pictures. Now I’m going to go find my cat and tell her I found her long lost twin.

  23. QueenArdnassak

    Oh my gosh, this is too funny! I have a cat that looks just like that, except it’s a female. She’s as evil as your cat is! :P

    I love this blog. I’d really like to add you to my blogroll, if that’s alright with you.

  24. Pingback: Random evil cat post « 300

  25. Pingback: GATTO DIABOLICO « ..camomilla and songs…

  26. camomilla and songs

    sweet post.. to love cat’s world

  27. nice photos!!! nice blog..

  28. opiumsweetheart

    your cat is so cute. I love cats. great post.

  29. our ragdoll is a sweetie but i’m sure after he adds some lbs he’ll be quite the evil beast. absolutely love the photos!

  30. i have a devil cat too but she seems to be nice to me but very mean to everyone else. her name is rose and has a queens attitude. but i do love the pictures of your cat, mostly the one of the cat running thru the snow. very cool.

  31. Oh you are so lucky to be owned by a Birman!
    They are the most fascinating, intelligent, annoying and lovable cats. I loved your blog and superb photos. I feel sorry for your dog, but don’t worry, the ‘Evil’ one will soon put him in his place and have him under control! It should be fun to watch – good luck!!

  32. thisis a very nice cat!! I want him for me!!

  33. beautiful pictures

  34. Nice photos and good to see you back and posting again.

    By the way, we humans have opposable thumbs so we can open tins cat food, unlock doors and pick up poop for cats.

    Just thought you should know.

    • RAZZZZZ! Good to hear from you! Blogging is so weird that way. I was truly missing my blogging friends… but a break was necessary.
      I liked your comment about the opposable thumbs. You know, I had never considered this from that angle. How true, how true…

  35. Wonderful photos, wonderful cat, and a wonderful blog.

    http://goodbloodbadblood.wordpress.com/

  36. Let me say it in spanish… TU GATO ES EXTRAORDINARIAMENTE BELLO!!

    Great post!! Love the pictures!!

  37. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Your words coupled with excellent photo illustrations made my day – I’m sure there will be a few more humans smiling today having visited your blog. Thank You

  38. Awesome! They’re beautiful pictures

  39. I picked up a bit of advice from a cat owner that seems to sum up your’s quite well:

    ‘The Egyptians used to worship cats as gods, and cats have never forgotten that’

    I believe your pictures are proof if it was needed!

  40. Great post and pictures! I wish the dog good luck.

  41. Wow!!! To come back from months of blogstinence to such enthusiasm is heartwarming. Thanks for all your comments. They are truly appreciated. I was also happy to see everyone agree that this cat is a menace to society. I love him though and I’ll be truly sad when my dog eats it. Really.
    Thanks for your compliments and thank you for sharing your evil cat stories too. :-)

  42. Welcome back!!!! I am truly excited that you’re closer now. Enough about Monsieur le Chat. He’s cute but from the pictures looks full of attitude. I just hope your dog is ok after his long journey. Hope to be in France with my Monsieur late summer. If possible, we’ll invite ourselves to visit and check out the pet situation! Loads of love and thrilled to have you back. xx

    • Epic Dear, let’s see each other at the end of summer then. That sounds lovely! I’m looking forward to meeting your Monsieur. Mine is in Brazil visiting his little daughter Zoe. I have the cat all to myself… How are things going along with the preparation of the big event?

  43. It’s about time you’re blogging again chouchou! I know all too well about evil cats. At least yours hasn’t peed on you . . . yet!

    • The operative word here is “yet.” I’m sure it will happen at one point or another. That would make you happy, wouldn’t it?! I know it would. Kind of lonely in your little club of one for people having been peed on by cats, eh?
      Yeah… Back to blogging. It’s just really difficult to find time during my early retirement… :-)

  44. Well hello there! Do I take it you have moved to this side of the pond?? :)

  45. julianusginting

    wow…nice cat..hehee…just like u.. :-)

  46. kibbles & bits

    since there are no longer entries on this blog it’s obvious that the cat killer her.

    LONG LIVE THE CAT!

  47. Oh my, that was great. Kibbles & bits is funny, too :) And the cat proves that you can be fat and beautiful all at the same time. Really it was a very deep entry.

  48. Love it! Love to you as well, hope life is perfect!

    JB

  49. too bad this blog has fizzled out

  50. Great post, please do publish more posts.

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