“Wayne Rooney? Oh yeah. Manchester United right? That’s the brat who stepped on Carvalho’s testes during the last World Cup.” And that’s how you leave a man flabbergasted by your awesome knowledge of soccer!
I once dated a soccer nut. One of the few things he left me (besides an irreparable crushed heart) was a collection of random sport facts.
He lived in DC. I lived in Dallas. Probably not the best premise for a love story nevertheless we tried to keep it entertaining (which meant a lot of efforts on my part and a lot of cheating on his…)
On a dreary winter day, a Saturday, a bummed out D. had to spend the whole day at his office. Working on a Saturday feels great when you are a photographer, not so much when you are an investment banker! So I decided to open up and tell him about my previous career as a famous soccer player.
This is what I sent him (because I’m silly and hardly ever take myself seriously.)
“I have a big confession to make and I hope you will forgive my secrecy. I have not always been a manager, private investigator, interpretor, voice-over, photographer… I was actually a VERY famous soccer player. I could not tell you before because I did not want you to like me for my sport abilities. I wanted you to see the woman in me, not the athlete. Yes, With an H, that was me. Great career. Over many decades. Then I had to retire my European career amidst scandal. I’m not proud of it. I’m sure that right now, you are somewhat hesitant to believe me so I will pepper your day with many proofs.
This is the first proof. A picture of me as a proud soccer player, with my favorite ball. Forgive the quality of the photograph, it is quite ancient.
The following is a photograph with Zito from Brazil (I played for Brazil sometimes) when I made a pass at him and he scored against Czechoslovakia! We were elated!
Playing for France was a great opportunity for me. They bought me from Brazil. Muito dinheiro!
Playing for Brazil one day, against Brazil the next…
Playing with France gave me the opportunity to study their great players’ weakest points. When years later, I played against Capocannoniere Michel Platini, I knew exactly what to do to divert his attention from the ball.
This brilliant move got me knee-deep in trouble!
My methods were modern. They were not always very well accepted by my peers.
This move also was a tad innovative for the period. After my yellow card from last time, they gave me a bright red one this time. I protested. Vehemently.
Check out the idiot referee! Threatening to pull something out from his pocket. What was he going to give me this time? A purple card? Anyway… It would be a fair assessment to say that things went south for me after that game.
I recognize now that this move may have been just a tad ahead of its time (even if soccer rules do not specifically prohibit the use of a Tintin umbrella on the field.) The European clubs wanted nothing to do with me after that scandal. I had to move to the States.
Now I have tea with Beck and Vic. My life is more peaceful.”
The things we do for love…