The Very Hairy Christmas Card

My sister faked cancer.  She faked not one, but two cancers. If you are going to tell a big lie, you might as well fabricate an even bigger one for maximum effect. In the end, it turned out that her stomach and esophagus cancer surgery was in fact a gastric bypass to rid her of her obesity.

My sister and I are not on speaking terms. Blood may be thicker than water but when you put your 75 year old mother through the ringer with imaginary health problems, my blood thins out considerably. Seriously. She even attempted to turn the situation around by claiming that her lies were a cry for help and that my failure to recognize her anguish denoted a clear lack of compassion on my part. Nice try.

With my habitual  Christmas foreigner abandoning me to go frolic in the Argentinian Pampas this year, there would be no Christmas dinner with my sister and I sitting at the same table. Instead, she gave her son a card for me with the strict instruction to open it only the next day, on Christmas.

The card was in a white envelope with a small golden bow.

odile_001

It was a pretty thick envelope and all evening, I kept wondering if perhaps it contained a letter of apology (way overdue.)

The next morning, in bed with a good book and my morning coffee (it’s unbelievable the number of books you go through when not blogging!), I looked at the envelope on the night table begging to be opened with its cute little bow.

odile_0021

The card looked very average. In our family, we always go for funky and the Golden Retriever carrying Christmas ornaments definitely did not pass the originality test. Very unlike my sister. I opened the card.

bodile_004

Eek! Eek! Eek! Hair!!!! I kid you not. With roots! My sister cut all her hair off and stuffed them in my card. My instincts kick in. Or woman’s intuition, whatever you may want to call that special 6th sense. I think my sister is not going to apologize. I can just feel it with all my mighty powers of deduction. I push the hair aside.

bodile_005

What did I tell you?!  The use of English remains a mystery since French is our first language, but nevermind the semantics. This is my first hate Christmas card ever! I didn’t even know such thing existed. In retrospect, the use of the golden bow on the envelope seems quite deceiving when coupled with the nice curvy handwriting.

I’m going to take the hair and make a little pillow with it.

Just kidding. I’m going to keep this card for the day my body is found in a Belgian gutter, stabbed to death by a hairless assassin.

38 responses to “The Very Hairy Christmas Card

  1. Eh…welcome back? I think…

  2. Wow. Your christmas was a little too interesting.

  3. Alan: you asked for it. You know you did. I thought I might as well make it interesting. When I say my family is nuts, no one ever realizes to what extent. Now you know. 🙂
    I am, on the other hand, totally sane.

    Michael: I agree with you. And this is the reason behind an ocean between my family and me. Survival.
    In all fairness, my sister is a champ in the loony department. The others are not half as bad, and some are actually very cool… but what good would it do to talk about the trains that leave on time?

  4. Wow! I would say: “Welcome back Nathalie.” Beste wensen voor 2009. I definitely think your Christmas card is so much better…..

    And, it sounds like a case of brain tumor to me….

  5. I don’t know whether to laugh or go find your sister and smack her…I’m grateful every day to be from a family where I’m the crazy one, though I’ve never even come close to a stunt like that!

  6. Welcome back!

    Wow that sounds like an intense fight. My sisters and I argue a lot but never anything that big. How many years are you two apart?

  7. Ha! Ha! Wouter! I can assure you it is no more brain cancer than stomach and esophagus cancers. Unless it was that very special brain cancer in which surgery you come out with bigger boobs!

    jimsmuse: oh please feel free to go smack her. Would you? Pretty please?
    I don’t think you are her kind of crazy. Her kind of crazy belongs in hospitals. You are nice crazy.

    Maggie: my sister is 11 year older. I do not think that’s the issue though. I think she is mental. Sure there is some underlying jealousy for things that happened when I was a little girl, and for a lot of things that she has simply imagined. She is batshit crazy.

  8. LOL! Hairless assassin. Nice.

    I was SO hoping you’d kick off your return with that… er… um… merry (?) holiday greeting. Très bizarre…

    Otherwise: Welcome back!

  9. She’s back! …… with enemies!

    This points out to me how warped I must be because it made me laugh out loud. Some people are so stupid and full of crap.

    I come from a background that has zero tolerance for such nonsense and yet my sister indulges in such psychodramas (although not so extreme but she had made an attempt at suicide to hurt my mother, but that’s another story). I guess it’s perhaps a type of rebellion.

    I have a friend (yes it’s true) who likes to say that in his life, in his social circle, “it’s only my enemies that grow in number”..

    By the way, thanks that for the Christmas card.

    As for the Hasselblad, you can always sell a kidney and buy a digital back for it.

  10. Welcome back!
    Your sister must be really “wigging out” now!!
    “Christmas cards from the Edge” would have been a good title too.

  11. Did you tell her you like the way her hair came out?

    I found the reference to the curvy handwriting particularly funny. What a welcome back to blogland for all of us.

    Maybe it really is better after all that you’re living in Texas and not Belgium.

  12. Wow…loved your last line, but you are right, this whole event would give Pamajama’s family a run for their money.

    Hmmm, cept I think they would have ‘called’ it something much more acceptable, in fact, INSISTING that is what they meant, and never left evidence in writing of what they had done to be pushed in their face at a later date!

    Hmmmm, think you should use my method of resolving things like that that I have suggested to Pam…..let them drop off the face of YOUR earth!

  13. Wow.

    Just… wow.

  14. Ah Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie!

    I just laughed out so loud at the first line of your comment.

  15. Thanks for all your comments! It’s good to be back! 🙂

    Jason: forensic wise, it’s much better to be hairless when you commit a crime. I just wasn’t sure whether that was the plan. 🙂

    Razz: You are warped. Not once, but twice. The suicide attempt is a good one. She has not tried that one yet although the thought has been mentioned in passing. As for selling a kidney, I think I would have to sell both to be able to afford that digital back and that sort of defeats the purpose really, doesn’t it? Me dead with a digital back.
    You know what they say about keeping your friends close and your enemies even closer? Well, I happen to disagree.

    planetross
    : good ones! I even thought about changing the title (and giving you credit of course) but I am too lazy.

    Bonnie! You are wicked! Your comment would have made a great title too. I always thought an ocean was a sufficient bumper zone until she decided to visit… but that’s another story. That’s the story where she faked a false pregnancy to explain the 20 pounds she had gained as a result of eating cookie dough, donuts, and fast food for 2 weeks straight and continuously. But let’s recover from this story first!

    Soapbox Diva
    : I’ve written off my sister a long time ago. We have exchanged two words in the last year and that was at my mom’s 75th birthday party. She is the one that cannot let go.

    cmajor7
    : I know!

  16. uummm sorry? wow. People : still the greatest show on earth. (((hugs)))

  17. I didn’t know you were from Belgium, and that French was your first language. Good thing I didn’t bust out some of my college French to try and impress you. You would have exposed me for the fraud that I am.

    Seriously, your sister is a psycho. I am amazed that Belgium has psychos, too, but I guess it’s a human phenomenon, not just an American one.

  18. Yikes, I mean what do you say to a card like that but yikes…

    Glad you’re back. Happy New Year!

  19. Sweetiegirlz! Happy New Year! I generally prefer comedies to dramas as far as shows are concerned, but I think we are slowly moving towards tragedies with this one.

    Otto Man: that’s one way of looking at them… 🙂

    cmajor7: oh we do have lots of psychos in Belgium. We just don’t go around giving them the right to bear arms. That’s why you don’t hear about them.

    tam: actually, I did not respond. I was dying to but I’m not in the habit of kicking people when they are down (even if I really really want to!)
    Happy New Year to you too!!!

  20. hmm, but if you take into account the number of family members that hate each other’s guts, perhaps your sister unwillingly suggested you a great business idea – making/selling of season’s hate cards.
    Imagine, you could sell regular ones, than deluxe versions with hair , fake thumbs, teeth etc.
    Possibilities are immense, market is (apparently)there, and you are apparently in a need of a Hasselblad back.

    and yes, glad that you made it back…

  21. Oh, this is just f*cking brilliant. The post I mean. Your sister obviously has grown up in your beautiful shadow and can’t bear her own sick self. If she sends you homemade goodies in the future, do not eat them.

    Thank you so much for alerting me to this little Christmas gift of yours. I loved it beyond words. I adore you for sharing!

    More & more I find that there is masterful dysfunction in so many families; my own is going to have to work very hard to try and keep up. It’s a vicious competition & simple drunken idiocy will not even be allowed on the same stage as your sister’s gifted & artistic flair for drama. The wrinkled state of the envelope is pure genius.

    P.S. Are you absolutely sure it was her own hair?

    The comment by Bonnie was FANTASTIC.

  22. Pingback: The Package « I Am The Cheese

  23. Grasswire, you are truly brilliant! The Christmas hate card project will now be added to the list. I am not sure that adding human parts will be that easy since I do not want to use artificial products and, also, one should always recycle. I could always contract with dentists, hairdressers, and amputation surgeons (the latter only for the point of no return hate card and for people with a budget large enough to accommodate the purchase of the extra giant leg hate card and it is an economic crisis after all!)

    Pamajama
    : I KNEW you would appreciate my card. You of all people. I actually thought about you in the 10 minutes following the opening of the envelope. Your family must ante up!
    It was her hair. After a week of her successfully avoiding my mom, my mom saw her: she had almost none left. Just a fine duvet on her lovely cranium.

  24. Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that. And to think, your hiatus was supposed to be relaxing and stress-free!! That must have been rough on you and your family. Hopefully she will get that help that she obviously needs.

    On another note, it’s good to have you back!! I look forward to you posts.

  25. Pingback: Twisted Holiday Condensed « Twisted Family Antics

  26. Hooray! You’re back! As for your sister, all I can say is that good things come out of bad situations. Can’t imagine what it felt like to open that card but the post is unlike any I’ve ever read before, and gives it a big thumbs up. I think when people do this sort of thing it’s because they feel that any sort of attention is good attention. There’s no excuse for what your sister has done re: lying about operations and being so horrible to you at Christmastime, but at least you don’t have to live under the same roof. Distance can be a great thing when it comes to families. Can’t wait to hear what else happened to you at Christmas. What about the chocolate fest?

  27. Wow.. I read this days ago and I still can’t think of an appropriate comment to make, but I want you to know that I’m happy your back… So… Hey! Glad you’re back! Also, I’m glad that I’m an only child!

    Is this the sort of stuff I’m missing?!? I think I’m okay with that, then.

    -Turkish Prawn

  28. (sorry I’m late, but I was out of town).

    First, welcome back.

    Second, while your sister is clearly deranged you were able to turn this into a lovely story, made resplendent with photographs. I guess insanity can be a promoter of arts.

    Third, glad to have you back. You have been missed.

  29. Came here by way of Pamajama… my mouth hit the floor. Is this for real? Part of me wants to LMAO at the way you wrote it (make a pillow- omg) and the other part… well, just thinks this cannot be real?? Your first Christmas hate card, yes…. this seems to be the case. WOWOWOW!

  30. Diana: Happy New Year! Don’t worry! I spent three weeks in bed going through a pile of books and being spoon-fed cakes and Polish Cookies by mommie dearest, so it was relaxing. Now I just have to ride my bike around the lake twice every day to lose the bakery pounds and that SUCKS (my bottom is very very sore!)

    Epic: you had the right idea going south for the holidays because I froze for three weeks! When my mom confronted my sister about the card (after I was gone), my sister shrugged and said: “it was just three little sentences!” What can you do? She says faking cancer was a cry for help, I say faking cancer was a way for her to have my mom pay for the surgery (she did not in the end) and that is a much more frightening proposition… What a con artist!

    TP: there is no appropriate comment other than “Eek your sister is a madhouse!” Fortunately, I have an awesome brother to balance things out. When you think about it, as a blogger, my sister does provide entertaining material so all is not lost!

    Forkboy! Happy New Year! Thank you for missing me 🙂 Insanity: a promoter of arts? I like that. She used to be a very talented artist. I’m glad she did not send an ear.

    JavaQueen: Welcome and Happy New Year! It was all too real, I assure you. Anyway, if you read Pamajama’s stuff regularly, you must have been highly adequately prepared for my post! 🙂
    Thank you so much for visiting. The other stuff is much less National Enquirer style.

  31. OMG This blog is awesome, where the hell have I been???

  32. That’s right Missy (Heather), where have you been?!? In all fairness, I had no idea someone with a family as screwed up as Pamajama’s inhabited this blogosphere. I did not know it was possible, but after reading your last post, I had to acknowledge the fact. Thank you so much for visiting and thank you so very very much for your very sweet compliment!

  33. Hi sister!
    I’ll set the record straight about one thing here…
    our hairless / toothless (did you tell them?) sister did come up with relatively “serious” suicide threats last year. Didn’t want to bother (bore?) you with it.

    I came out alright (didn’t fall for it), but I was a little worried about her two sons, that she “delicately” warned she might end her life real soon.

    How thoughtful, right?

    Anyway, as you say, she’s blog material.
    Anyway, as you say, I’m awesome!

    He he… 😉

    Chris

  34. It took me forever to get to the bottom of this LOL.

    Here’s my two bits worth.

    I hope your sister reads this and realizes that she’s got some serious problems. Does she really think that letter was going to make you feel bad or make you feel better??? At any rate, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which one of you needs help.

    (just so we’re clear, it’s not you LOL)

    Miss you.

    Je veux parler le francais. xox

  35. Chriswithanh: yeah, yeah, yeah, you are awesome. Most of the time. Not at dessert time. I did not say anything about the toothless status. At least, that’s true!

    Kelly, you crazy Canuk! Glad you finally made it back to Bumfuck Japan! How was the trip?
    J’espere venir dire bonjour quand le temps sera meilleur. Ross n’aime pas le chauffage et moi, je n’aime pas le froid…
    Miss you too 🙂

  36. M’enfin! C’est incroyable! Horrible! Je suis sous choc! Mais qu’est-ce qu’il lui arrive a ta soeur? Oh, la la, et ta pauvra maman dans tout cela! Et ben dit donc!

  37. Hey Gul’! Effectivement, il y a matiere a therapie… Les joies de Noel, on aurait bien tort de s’en priver!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s