South Beach: a fashion statement. Like totally!

To recap Florida so far: Xuxa Cienfuegos (an alias to protect my friend’s identity in view of said friend 1) playing hooky 2) participating in frenzied bacchanals caught on film) and myself land in Miami, and Xuxa immediatly proceed to confuse “conference attendance” with “confer and attend dance” at the beach.

I had previously vacationed in Miami with the rat bastard ex but we had not much visited South Beach (SoBe) at the time. Expecting brilliant white tee-shirts tucked under Armani suits in the land of Tubbs and Crockett, Xuxa and I sashayed our way to Ocean Drive for a stroll among the trendiest of all.

At this juncture, I would like to point out how lucky you are to have me to bring you to the cutting edge of fashion.

Popular in SoBe this year:

sobe11_002Simile-silk shorts imprinted with “South Beach” in shiny lettering. Increased size of buttocks may be required to fit it all in one line.

sobe1_010Bling and caps resting mid-forehead.

sobe1_035Nipple bling – no pain, no gain!

sobe2_020Shorts aspiring to be pants and almost succeeding

sobe2_027Japanese shorts and steroids

sobe1_042Animal-print onesies for chicks who like to dance on bar counters. Here at Mango’s. Mango’s deserves a post of its own.

sobe11_003Tasteful onesies for toddlers anxious  to make a statement

sobe22_1001Boas and other snake accessories. Very HUGE in South Beach!

sobe22_001If you’ve taken good notes, bought your bling, your short-shorts or your pant-shorts, pierced your nipples, got your hands on roids, and found a nice yellow constrictor for the night, you may be one of the happy few to attend the “Girls Gone Wild” party at the Mansion.

Xuxa and I, feeling seriously outclassed, decided to stay on the Rive Droite of Ocean Drive where men play volley-ball with wiry muscles and six packs on their stomach (not in), bear names like Giuseppe, and limit their fashion statement to minimal clothing (as we like it.) Epic, this next post will be for you. 🙂

9 responses to “South Beach: a fashion statement. Like totally!

  1. I see more souvenirs you could bring back to Texas with you. I’m just sure you tucked one (or several!) in your luggage and intend to gift me with a marvelous bit of SoBe when you return. Right? RIGHT?

    It looks like you’re enjoying yourself. I’m thrilled!

  2. hey im one of those volleyball players…i would like to see those photos that you claim to be exceptional 🙂

  3. Damn, that dude with the nipple rings is HOT, HOT, HOT!!! Any dude with a snake, NOT.

  4. With so much metall in your nipples you can never leave the country.

    Within a few days we’ll be asking you what you learned from the Conference in Miami.

  5. Oh the pathetic ugly Americans. So many parts of Western culture to aspire to, no? The baggie shorts under the butt, should they hang any lower, would simulate shuffling along as though in shackles.
    Smart alecks and their wise cracks….!

    So Be not it.

  6. Thanks for your comments!

    Jason: I never share my toys. Get your own. Actually I could have brought the nipple guy back for you… I just did not think about it. So sorry!

    Matt
    : done deal! You’re posted. 🙂 Thanks for being such a great model!

    Pamajama: hot… but not for you and not for me. I think you need chest hair for this one.

    Wouter: if you live on the beach, you probably have no reason to ever leave the country, right?! Save your ink: I did not learn anything.

    Bonnie: Hee! Hee! To So Be or not So Be? No question there. I selected for effect, but So Be is actually full of beautiful well dressed people – Just not as funny to post.

  7. The guy with the nipple rings? H-A-W-T. Minus the nipple rings, that is.

  8. Funny….growing up in Florida I visited SoBe on a number of occasions – this series of pics tells the real story.

  9. Heather: H-A-W-T, but not for you. Very gay I’m afraid.

    forkboy
    : it’s funny but there really seems to be the left side of Ocean Drive where tourists are walking in herds, then on the other side of the road, you have all the athletes and the locals exercising (for my greatest pleasure!)

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