Tag Archives: Girls Gone Wild

South Beach: a fashion statement. Like totally!

To recap Florida so far: Xuxa Cienfuegos (an alias to protect my friend’s identity in view of said friend 1) playing hooky 2) participating in frenzied bacchanals caught on film) and myself land in Miami, and Xuxa immediatly proceed to confuse “conference attendance” with “confer and attend dance” at the beach.

I had previously vacationed in Miami with the rat bastard ex but we had not much visited South Beach (SoBe) at the time. Expecting brilliant white tee-shirts tucked under Armani suits in the land of Tubbs and Crockett, Xuxa and I sashayed our way to Ocean Drive for a stroll among the trendiest of all.

At this juncture, I would like to point out how lucky you are to have me to bring you to the cutting edge of fashion.

Popular in SoBe this year:

sobe11_002Simile-silk shorts imprinted with “South Beach” in shiny lettering. Increased size of buttocks may be required to fit it all in one line.

sobe1_010Bling and caps resting mid-forehead.

sobe1_035Nipple bling – no pain, no gain!

sobe2_020Shorts aspiring to be pants and almost succeeding

sobe2_027Japanese shorts and steroids

sobe1_042Animal-print onesies for chicks who like to dance on bar counters. Here at Mango’s. Mango’s deserves a post of its own.

sobe11_003Tasteful onesies for toddlers anxious  to make a statement

sobe22_1001Boas and other snake accessories. Very HUGE in South Beach!

sobe22_001If you’ve taken good notes, bought your bling, your short-shorts or your pant-shorts, pierced your nipples, got your hands on roids, and found a nice yellow constrictor for the night, you may be one of the happy few to attend the “Girls Gone Wild” party at the Mansion.

Xuxa and I, feeling seriously outclassed, decided to stay on the Rive Droite of Ocean Drive where men play volley-ball with wiry muscles and six packs on their stomach (not in), bear names like Giuseppe, and limit their fashion statement to minimal clothing (as we like it.) Epic, this next post will be for you. 🙂

A Distinguished Affair… Not so much!

The last time Hunang and James hosted a dinner affair, the conversation had degenerated to lows rarely attained in the annals of parties. Hunang claimed not to understand what had happened. He had laid the finest China on a delicate tablecloth . After all, one must hold oneself to certain standards when heirloom porcelain adorns a table.

This time around, things would be different. Breaking with tradition, Hunang and James decided to prepare dinner at Miss T. and Brandon’s house. Perhaps a change of venue would elevate the debate to finer subjects such as philosophy or literature.

The table was beautiful

The dog had been confined to the yard.

Hunang was cooking up a storm in the kitchen

Bill stole Dorin’s sweater but he did not mean to.

In the living room, the guests were discussing very mundanely former living arrangements. Bill explained that he had lived at the Ritz… The Oram Ritz that is, an 8 unit residence in a beat up Dallas neighborhood. Cory asked him if there was a doorman and Bill told us about the feral cat doorman which was not very effective as far as concierges go. We then proceeded to the table. It seemed things would be different this time.

The subject of the Olympics was brought up, how male and female swimmers looked exactly the same in their suits and huge Matrix goggles and how they would kick our asses all the same whatever they were. We wondered if the regular gymnasts were making fun of the trampoline folks. The consensus was that they undoubtedly were.

Miss T. explained that she was mind-boggled by the amount of tiny countries that participated to the Olympics and wished she could have crashed the opening ceremony parade by representing a bogus nation. The Oompa-Loompa Overseas Territories. She imagined herself marching proudly in her striped candy red and white sport uniform.

You could see that Brandon, Miss T.’s husband, was perhaps not 100% convinced that the evening was heading towards loftier horizons. He was scratching his head. Da wife was feelin’ pretty feisty…

Dorin and Angela broke into an impromptu rap.

Bill talked about Fergie from the Black-eyed Pees, how she always spelled something in every song and… how she had peed herself once during a concert.

Oh dear! Singers peeing themselves! The party had officially broken.

Cory knew it. 15 minutes into the dinner and a point of no return had already been reached.

Love me some Pucca

Meanwhile Miss T. has gone into a Pucca delirium… Joined by Bill.

Love me some Pucca too

Cory discovers that he shares a birthday with Angela on September 12th, and inexplicably breaks into a celebration dance.

Bill attempts a Madonna.

Bill’s Madonna sends Miss T. over the edge.

That’s when Angela decides to sing the entire “I Like Big Butts” song. Kudos sista’!

Miss T. is very amused. Brandon hangs in there.

Bill decidedly breaks the jovial mood to tell us about the father he never knew growing up. He tells us about the time he visited him in Waco in February 2003, the second time they had ever met. As Bill prepared to leave, his dad hugged him and whispered to his ear that he had put a little something in the trunk for him. How thoughtful!

Bill drove home feeling he was building a foundation with his old man and loving it. He was so emotional he was crying. It was raining. He suddenly remembered about his father’s gift and, curious, pulled off the road. He slowly opened the trunk. In the middle of the compartment: a VHS tape. A Girls Gone Wild tape. A previously viewed Girls Gone Wild Tape… Have I mentioned Bill plays for the other team?

And just like that, when we thought we were safe, we weren’t.

That’s when we notice Brandon’s absence.

Brandon is gone to the store to buy raspberries for the cheesecake. “I don’t know what happened. They are the same raspberries that have been on the list since 11 am this morning!” Miss T. explains with a tiny point of gentle exasperation in the voice. She further explains that there will be no cheesecake for anyone until Bryan does the Beyonce. I think that Bryan likes to be begged because it is always such a big ordeal of huge proportions to make him do it.

We must liquor him up. The tequila is brought to the table. Things are getting serious. We all want Miss T.’s made from scratch cheesecake and if we have to carry the man to the dance floor, we will.

The man drinks up but needs further assistance. We send in Angela to lure him to shake his booty.

“You’re a fine woman! Back that ass up! From the East side to the West side!”

Finally! “Come on Bryan! Drop it like it’s hot!”

Holla atcha boys!

Bill: “You will look back at this with affection.”

Bryan: ” Do you have a scrapbook of regrets too?”

Bill explains that Cory and Leon are his oldest friends… In terms of long he has known them AND how old they are. He said he would have been sad to leave them behind but that he almost had to when he was laid off years ago. He had briefly entertained moving to Asheville, North Carolina. Hearing the news, his mother had said: “Oh no, you don’t want to live there. It has been eaten up by the queers and the Wiccans!”

Bill’s mother seems pretty high maintenance. He had failed to call her for a week and she left him the following message on his phone: “I don’t know where you are. I don’t know what you’re doing or who you’re with. Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” I guess that showed him!

Brandon has come back with the precious raspberries. Beyonce out of the way, we are all waiting for the dessert.

Orgasm on a Plate

Bill: “Well, don’t these raspberries just MAKE the dessert?”

Cory: “Ooh they taste as if they had just been bought!”

On our end of the table things are going pretty well.

On the other side, things seems more China appropriate.

They are probably discussing philosophy or literature.

On our side of the table, Bill blows into Oscar’s nose.

Angela is singing “Big Butts” to Oscar.

Bill pretends Cory is Oscar

Bryan shows love to Angela

Cory is dancing

Miss T. is dancing AND singing

Dorin and Oscar are smooching on the couch

Angela is booty-dancing Leon in the kitchen

James and Hunang wonder where they went wrong once again.

After all, the evening has just started…

note: in the course of the evening, 7.5 bottles of wine, 1 bottle of champagne, 1/2 bottle of tequila, 1/2 bottle of scotch, 1/2 bottle of Crown, and and unknown amount of vodka were consumed (but not by me.)

note deux: you know you are pushing the blogging envelope when you show up at a party with a camera, paper and a pen.

note trois: some names have been changed to preserve the anonymity of above-referenced drunks.

note quatre: some comments have been censored.

note cinq: after this post, my next venture will be my “World through the Eyes of planetross” that emanated through a Single for a Reason challenge (I’m not quite through preparing for this because the man thinks not like a regular human being.) I will then switch to a one photograph a day format in order to cope with my workload and fight the blogging addiction which is totally eating my clock.

note six: I hope they’ll forgive me.

note sept: no animals were injured in the making of this blog.