Tag Archives: SoBe

South Beach: a fashion statement. Like totally!

To recap Florida so far: Xuxa Cienfuegos (an alias to protect my friend’s identity in view of said friend 1) playing hooky 2) participating in frenzied bacchanals caught on film) and myself land in Miami, and Xuxa immediatly proceed to confuse “conference attendance” with “confer and attend dance” at the beach.

I had previously vacationed in Miami with the rat bastard ex but we had not much visited South Beach (SoBe) at the time. Expecting brilliant white tee-shirts tucked under Armani suits in the land of Tubbs and Crockett, Xuxa and I sashayed our way to Ocean Drive for a stroll among the trendiest of all.

At this juncture, I would like to point out how lucky you are to have me to bring you to the cutting edge of fashion.

Popular in SoBe this year:

sobe11_002Simile-silk shorts imprinted with “South Beach” in shiny lettering. Increased size of buttocks may be required to fit it all in one line.

sobe1_010Bling and caps resting mid-forehead.

sobe1_035Nipple bling – no pain, no gain!

sobe2_020Shorts aspiring to be pants and almost succeeding

sobe2_027Japanese shorts and steroids

sobe1_042Animal-print onesies for chicks who like to dance on bar counters. Here at Mango’s. Mango’s deserves a post of its own.

sobe11_003Tasteful onesies for toddlers anxious  to make a statement

sobe22_1001Boas and other snake accessories. Very HUGE in South Beach!

sobe22_001If you’ve taken good notes, bought your bling, your short-shorts or your pant-shorts, pierced your nipples, got your hands on roids, and found a nice yellow constrictor for the night, you may be one of the happy few to attend the “Girls Gone Wild” party at the Mansion.

Xuxa and I, feeling seriously outclassed, decided to stay on the Rive Droite of Ocean Drive where men play volley-ball with wiry muscles and six packs on their stomach (not in), bear names like Giuseppe, and limit their fashion statement to minimal clothing (as we like it.) Epic, this next post will be for you. 🙂

The South Beach Seminar

If I were a seminar organizer, I would pick the most uninteresting and gloomiest town I could find on the map and that’s where my convention would take place. Bentonsport , Iowa , pop: 40 (no offense to the 40 fine folks.) Holding a series of lectures in a place like Miami with so many possibilities of outside diversions completely defeats the purpose. Many attendees. Not so much attendance. Seriously.

My friend D. who for the following series of Miamian posts will bear the more fitting name of Xuxa Cienfuegos invited me to come along to her public affairs conference (not the conference part, the Miami part.) She waited until the last minute to make hotel reservations downtown, and oops since there were no vacancies, she just had to book a room in South Beach. How totally inconvenient!

I met her at the airport. She was sipping a Bloody Mary. It was 7 am.

sobe1_001

By 3 pm, we had traded our Bloody Marys for Mojitos on Nikki beach.

bsobe2_001

By 4 pm, we had met Gianni, Raffaele, Marco, and Andrea.

sobe2_004

I estimated Xuxa’s probabilities of attending any professional meetings in the coming days to an absolute zero…